Vegas if you're too cheap to shop, gamble, or drink much.

If you're nearly broke or just cheap, at some point you might consider taking a trip to Las Vegas. Airfare and hotels there aren't too much... but what is it like there if you refuse to spend? Let's see...

1. The first thing you're gonna want to do is walk around the strip. Since you're cheap, you'll probably get in after midnight because those flights are the cheapest. Great! At midnight it's cool out, and you can experience the sights/lights in all their glory. Fake Paris, New York, ancient Greece, Venice, Egypt, etc. You'll laugh until you pee.

The Excalibur at night. It's much grosser on the inside.

Fake Brooklyn Bridge at night (front) with woman's ass (behind).

2. Even the skeeziest of hotels (although we stayed in the cheap but quite nice Tuscany Hotel and Casino) in Vegas will probably have a pool. Since it's hot in the day, go there.

3. There are also indoor villages to explore in the daytime. By indoor villages I mean you can go to "Paris" or "Venice" or "New York" for an hour. Basically, it's Epcot with more alcohol. My personal favorite place to explore was Caesar's Palace. Walk by Cleopatra's barge, see large statues mimicking the classical style, and watch giant fish in an aquarium.

The gondoliers at the Venetian are pretty dece singers trying to keep afloat in these difficult economic times.

The Bellagio is supposed to be elegant or something, but it's just as trashy as the rest. See galloping plant horses (or whatever they have on display) in the conservatory. Leave your lead pipes at home.

 
4. Try a buffet. When you first get to Vegas, you'll have grand plans to try several buffets, but after making your way to the Bellagio buffet (known to be one of the best), you'll probably be buffeted out. Glorified college cafeteria? Yes (or so I am told. We didn't have such things at The George Washington University). A tip: Go with only one other person and sit at the bar instead of a table. You'll skip the 30 minute line that way.

5. Get a (singular) drink. I recommend going to Bond at the Cosmopolitan. It is the bar in the front with the pin-up girl-esque dancers. It has excellent DJ-ing, and with seats for around 50 people, it's not too big. You can try one of their fancy cocktails like "The Nutty Professor" or "If You Like Pina Coladas" ($12-$14, which is why we are only recommending getting one). Then find a table of excessively drunk old people and sit near them. Watching the old people dance, flirt with people at other tables, and embarrass themselves will provide hours of free entertainment.

The "If You Like Pina Coladas" at Bond. Mmm. Delicious.

6. Gamble $2 after spending an hour looking for the funniest slot machines (ex: Vampire's Embrace, The Village People, Maltese Fortune). Play only the minimum bets on 1 and 25 cent slot machines. Odds are you wouldn't win, anyway.

Maltese Fortune, among the funniest of the slot machines.

Shows are expensive, so I didn't go, but excellent talents like John Edward, Donny and Marie, Tim Allen, and the ever-present Celine Dion make me wish I'd gone to some. I encourage you to tell me how the shows are when you go.

Rihanna is not old.

While Jay-Z and Eminem dated themselves by sampling "Forever Young" (1984) and "What Is Love" (1993), Rihanna chooses to sample vintage (2002) Avril Lavigne.

This is the only reason why I like Rihanna's latest song.

Rihanna's refrain:


Lavigne's short yodel outburst:

My Favorite PBR ad

What if God was one of us?

Life Advice: Shobs interprets Cosmo

For anyone who is stressing out about a comprehensive exam, a job interview, the economy, or how many boxes of haagen-dazs ice cream bars to buy at the supermarket when they go on sale for $1, here is some great advice from Making Pennies life contributrice Shobs. She scoured the most recent issue of Cosmo, and sent me this message:

While getting my pedicure today and reading about Dianna Agron in Cosmo (ps. you should check out the cover because she is hottt), I stumbled upon one of Cosmo's unsubstantiated, ridiculous life tips that validates the reason I read this publication.

If you want to stop overthinking something, wash your hands. 

That's it. So, if you're stressing about this problem you can't solve or your public speaking skillz, just go wash your hands. Don't overthink. It's cool.

Thanks, Shobs and Cosmo. I hope this doesn't bring me back to my OCD days when I used to wash my hands every 2 minutes.

Seattle humor

Some jokesters in my new 'hood (Green Lake-ish) decided to make a fake land use proposal sign. These signs are at every new construction site in Seattle.

I've wondered what the giant hole would be for a while now. Now I have some idea. It involves a huge ball pit and a "rescue claw" since the hole is prolly a good 20 feet deep.

Site of the giant hole near Green Lake.

Oh, those wise guys! Click the picture to see it all big-like.

Some of you will understand why this is so funny to me.

Karaoke. Machine.

Summertime Internet Jamz: 2010 vs 2011.

These two songs are remarkably similar. They're both songs of the hip-hop variety that were released on the interwebz in the summer. They're both pretty lady-gay (though one is unintentionally). They both got stuck in my head for months at a time. But which wins???

1. Gucci Gucci by Kreayshawn, Summer of 2011

Pros: Swag flows from her ovaries (self proclaimed). I believe she is the latest to be brought to the kinda spotlight by Lil Wayne's marketing genius (aka he made fun of her song in a mixtape, and then Drake, one of Wayne's minions, signed her).
Cons: No message of worth. Too catchy. Cannot dance.


2. Stop Looking at My Moms by The Astronomical Kid, Summer of 2010

Pros: This kid would be difficult to pin in the always entertaining lesbian or 14-year-old boy game. I still remember this song one year after I first listened to it. This child tells it like it is. He also likes his moms.
Cons: He is actually talking about only one mother.

The verdict: Astronomical Kid wins! 2010 wins. Perhaps I am nostalgic for a time when the world economy wasn't deleted yet. STOP LOOKIN AT MY MOMS.