Ode to Milk

Even though another episode has aired, I'm still reeling from Milk's elimination on last week's episode of "Rupaul's Drag Race." On the episode, "Oh No She Betta Don't," Ru and the queens wrote and performed original raps.



For me, Milk's performance stood out as comedic genius. See the video for her original dancing and facial gestures.

In addition, she rapped:                                  I translated:

Never been the "in" girl                                    Milk had a hard time fitting in
since she came out.                                         ever since she revealed her sexual orientation.
Then shudders in her udders                            She then took control of her (bovine) wiles
were the easy way out.                                    to escape the difficulties she was facing.
If you're looking for a dude                              Therefore, if you're looking for a man
or in the preggers mood,                                  to have sex with
Milk is in the house                                          Look no further than Milk
and them other bitches rude!                            because all other girls pale in comparison.

In her mind-boggling rap, Milk depicted herself as a sexy, gender-bending cow in order to set herself apart from the other girls. Her lyrics echo the 90s rap anthem "Waterfalls" by TLC... if TLC had advised cows to continue chasing waterfalls. I think Ru and the judges agreed that she set herself apart... but in a bad way, not my giggle every time way. DANG. You'll be missed, Milk.

Redemption? Jennifer Lopez, "Gigli," and "The Fosters"

Now that I've watched an entire season of ABC Family's "The Fosters" (aka "7th Heaven" for lesbians), I'm forrealz certain that JLo decided to executive produce this whole thing to make up for her horrible lesbian (??? the movie's words, not mine) storyline in "Gigli."

If you are unfamiliar with "Gigli," please familiarize yourself with the following scene. Seriously. I know four minutes is a long time to watch a bad video, but it really just gets unbelievably worse and worse. And there's *spoiler* camel toe.

As you can infer from that scene, basically anyone involved in that movie should be looking for redemption, but I guess JLo is the only one who realized that.

Meanwhile, JLo has been interviewed as saying that "The Fosters" is about "family and love," which is true. But it's also about drugs, gun violence, undocumented immigrants, ADHD, Alzheimer's, adoption, the foster system, incest, and probably any other problem you can think of that might involve a clan of five teens and two lesbimoms.

I guess I'll give JLo her redemption (although half of it was from her 2011 dance hit "On The Floor"), because the show isn't about sex (unlike "Gigli"). Instead, she shows America that a lesbian family can be as zany, as troubled, and, yes, as loving as any straight family you know. And the show is pretty damn crazy, which is always a plus.

Iz U Down (Low?)

 It took me til Tyga's verse to realize Kid Ink is not trying to woo a guy on the down low. (Or maybe Tyga and Kid Ink have different takes on the song?) Dang, I was so excited.

"The Fosters" is "7th Heaven" for Lesbians

This week Netflix recommended I watch its new release "The Fosters."

To decide if I should watch it, I asked myself three questions:
1) Do I want to watch an ABC Family show about lesbians?
2) Do I want to risk watching a show with such a lame name ("The Fosters" is the family name, reflects the fact that the couple are foster parents, AND I hope may be a reference to Jodie Foster.....)?
3) Does anyone want to watch a show executive produced by JLo?

Obviously, my answers to all three were a resounding "YES!" Four days later, I've finished all 10 episodes. What can I say about this show? It is definitely "7th Heaven" for lesbians.

Here's the basic plot: Two super-lesbimoms have a bajillion kids, and teen/family drama ensues.

Warning: There will be some minor plot giveaways below.

Stef Foster and Lena Adams = Eric and Annie Camden
I guess the moms have to be like Eric and Annie because they are the parents. They have five kids... like the original cast of "7th Heaven!" Stef is a police officer, and Lena is a vice principal at a fancy charter school. Neither are a minister, but their actions preach since they have no discernible character flaws. Although they are given a ton of crazy conflicts, they always seem to have the best possible reaction to everything. Lesbimoms are the best type of moms!

Brandon Foster = Matt Camden
Brandon is the oldest brother (like Matt), and is Stef's biological son from a previous marriage. He generally has his shit together (also like Matt), and therefore is rather boring.

Callie Jacob = Mary Camden
Callie is new to the family as a foster child. She's around Brandon's age, maybe 16 or 17? I almost chose Jesus (below) to be Mary, but Callie has more issues, so she gets the cake. Multiple dark horses/forbidden loves like her (like Mary aka Jessica Biel!), she just came out of juvie (didn't Mary get arrested at some point?), and has generally had the hardest time of all the kids (MARY).

Jesus Foster = Lucy Camden
Jesus is the 15-year-old adoptive son of Stef and Lena, and is Mariana's twin brother. He's the hot dude with ADD, who can get any popular girl he wants (Lucy had a lot of boyfriends and was popular). Too bad he likes Mariana's best friend!

Mariana Foster = Simon Camden
Mariana is the twin sister of Jesus. She doesn't have a ton of friends (sorry, but no one likes you, Simon), and she gives her biological mom money when she asks her for it (Bank of Simon).

Jude Jacob = Ruthie Camden
At 12, Jude is the youngest (foster) kid, and is therefore the most like Ruthie. He's cute, doesn't talk bad about anyone, and gets bullied at school.

Family Lessons = Family Lessons
The family lessons are at the heart of this show, as they were in "7th Heaven."  What's refreshing is that the morals are more like what I'd personally want to hear. We learn about teen contraception, gay marriage, religion and gays, bullying in school, undocumented immigrants, alcoholism, and rape.

If you were still wondering if "The Fosters" really is "7th Heaven" for lesbians, take a look at who officiated their wedding....

The Spurs Lost, so let's turn to the commentary of Game 7...

"Bosh is not able to get off of Duncan's body to be able to help on the penetration."

Summertime Internet Jamz: 2010 vs 2011.

These two songs are remarkably similar. They're both songs of the hip-hop variety that were released on the interwebz in the summer. They're both pretty lady-gay (though one is unintentionally). They both got stuck in my head for months at a time. But which wins???

1. Gucci Gucci by Kreayshawn, Summer of 2011

Pros: Swag flows from her ovaries (self proclaimed). I believe she is the latest to be brought to the kinda spotlight by Lil Wayne's marketing genius (aka he made fun of her song in a mixtape, and then Drake, one of Wayne's minions, signed her).
Cons: No message of worth. Too catchy. Cannot dance.


2. Stop Looking at My Moms by The Astronomical Kid, Summer of 2010

Pros: This kid would be difficult to pin in the always entertaining lesbian or 14-year-old boy game. I still remember this song one year after I first listened to it. This child tells it like it is. He also likes his moms.
Cons: He is actually talking about only one mother.

The verdict: Astronomical Kid wins! 2010 wins. Perhaps I am nostalgic for a time when the world economy wasn't deleted yet. STOP LOOKIN AT MY MOMS.

Kelis

If you know me, you know that I'm a big fan of Kelis. Caught Out There was always good for a scream, Trick Me was bumpin', and Like You was sheer 7th grade lyrical genius.

I don't know what she's been doing since she split up with Nas, but she is now an electronica/ dance artist. That is right. Kelis' latest album, "Flesh Tone," which was released this Monday in Europe, is DANCE music. Like, gay club style.



All of the music on the album is equally dance-y. I don't know if I will be able to handle this change, mostly because right now I think it might be a joke. The songs are dece.... and good for her for breaking out of her shell... but... what happened to the Kelis that brought us songs like "Milkshake"?

What do you think about her post-Nas transformation?

"I hope this turns into a full length epic like 'Trapped in the Closet' "

For the two of you who haven't seen this yet. Lady Gaga. Beyonce. OMFG.

Boots omigod boots.

One of Seattle's most noticeable fashion statements has to do with its boot culture. Naturally, everyone wears boots all winter, because it rains all the m.f. time. There are surprisingly few people who wear this type of oh-so-popular rain boot:

Instead, a large portion of people embrace the fashion faux-pas that is the hiking boot:When I first arrived I only had the former pair of boots, which I never particularly felt comfortable wearing. Since this summer I've owned the second pair, which I wear all the time.

Why does it rain so much? The end.

SAM Remix

Y'all know I was a huge fan of Hirshorn After Hours, so, after the stars aligned to give me enough time to do something fun this weekend, I decided to head on over to the quarterly SAM Remix. Now, my first After Hours may have changed my life forever, but... Friday November 6th's Remix at Seattle Art Musem was off tha hook.

Remix featured, among other things, "Highly Opinionated Tours" led by art fanatics like Jen Graves of The Stranger fame, yodeling Dominatrix Manuela Horn (from this year's America's Got Talent), a stilt dancer, and a hella sweet Alexander Calder exhibit (featuring lots of mobiles and his puh-sycho crazy-man circus video).

Need I mention this shit was super gay? Come here if you need a place to show off your latest drag ensemble... Now that I look at the program, it was co-sponsored by Outlaws (for queer law students at UW), Out for Sustainability (fuckin no clue what that means but it sounds gay), Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, and Seattle Out and Proud.

Some other activities of the night, in pictures:

Michelangelo's David-inspired temporary tattoos. (There was a Michelangelo exhibit in the galleries.)

A modeling/drawing station.

Crafts 101 for adults: Paper bag luminaria for Dia de los Muertos.

Two different dance floors w/ two different DJ's. This particular DJ, mixed super dancy versions of classic motown and 90's rap.

All in all, hella fun. Def's worth the $8 student admission.

Seattle Storm in playoffs, that is so gay.

Sunday at 2pm, they take on a gimp and a preggers in the deciding game of the western conference semifinals. Big whoop.

Gay, gay, gay.

Seattle Pride

There was a parade, then a festival at the Space Needle.

More naked bikers

Gaywatch

Pride Festival, fountain, and steering clear of sketchy men