Ode to Milk

Even though another episode has aired, I'm still reeling from Milk's elimination on last week's episode of "Rupaul's Drag Race." On the episode, "Oh No She Betta Don't," Ru and the queens wrote and performed original raps.



For me, Milk's performance stood out as comedic genius. See the video for her original dancing and facial gestures.

In addition, she rapped:                                  I translated:

Never been the "in" girl                                    Milk had a hard time fitting in
since she came out.                                         ever since she revealed her sexual orientation.
Then shudders in her udders                            She then took control of her (bovine) wiles
were the easy way out.                                    to escape the difficulties she was facing.
If you're looking for a dude                              Therefore, if you're looking for a man
or in the preggers mood,                                  to have sex with
Milk is in the house                                          Look no further than Milk
and them other bitches rude!                            because all other girls pale in comparison.

In her mind-boggling rap, Milk depicted herself as a sexy, gender-bending cow in order to set herself apart from the other girls. Her lyrics echo the 90s rap anthem "Waterfalls" by TLC... if TLC had advised cows to continue chasing waterfalls. I think Ru and the judges agreed that she set herself apart... but in a bad way, not my giggle every time way. DANG. You'll be missed, Milk.

Redemption? Jennifer Lopez, "Gigli," and "The Fosters"

Now that I've watched an entire season of ABC Family's "The Fosters" (aka "7th Heaven" for lesbians), I'm forrealz certain that JLo decided to executive produce this whole thing to make up for her horrible lesbian (??? the movie's words, not mine) storyline in "Gigli."

If you are unfamiliar with "Gigli," please familiarize yourself with the following scene. Seriously. I know four minutes is a long time to watch a bad video, but it really just gets unbelievably worse and worse. And there's *spoiler* camel toe.

As you can infer from that scene, basically anyone involved in that movie should be looking for redemption, but I guess JLo is the only one who realized that.

Meanwhile, JLo has been interviewed as saying that "The Fosters" is about "family and love," which is true. But it's also about drugs, gun violence, undocumented immigrants, ADHD, Alzheimer's, adoption, the foster system, incest, and probably any other problem you can think of that might involve a clan of five teens and two lesbimoms.

I guess I'll give JLo her redemption (although half of it was from her 2011 dance hit "On The Floor"), because the show isn't about sex (unlike "Gigli"). Instead, she shows America that a lesbian family can be as zany, as troubled, and, yes, as loving as any straight family you know. And the show is pretty damn crazy, which is always a plus.

"The Fosters" is "7th Heaven" for Lesbians

This week Netflix recommended I watch its new release "The Fosters."

To decide if I should watch it, I asked myself three questions:
1) Do I want to watch an ABC Family show about lesbians?
2) Do I want to risk watching a show with such a lame name ("The Fosters" is the family name, reflects the fact that the couple are foster parents, AND I hope may be a reference to Jodie Foster.....)?
3) Does anyone want to watch a show executive produced by JLo?

Obviously, my answers to all three were a resounding "YES!" Four days later, I've finished all 10 episodes. What can I say about this show? It is definitely "7th Heaven" for lesbians.

Here's the basic plot: Two super-lesbimoms have a bajillion kids, and teen/family drama ensues.

Warning: There will be some minor plot giveaways below.

Stef Foster and Lena Adams = Eric and Annie Camden
I guess the moms have to be like Eric and Annie because they are the parents. They have five kids... like the original cast of "7th Heaven!" Stef is a police officer, and Lena is a vice principal at a fancy charter school. Neither are a minister, but their actions preach since they have no discernible character flaws. Although they are given a ton of crazy conflicts, they always seem to have the best possible reaction to everything. Lesbimoms are the best type of moms!

Brandon Foster = Matt Camden
Brandon is the oldest brother (like Matt), and is Stef's biological son from a previous marriage. He generally has his shit together (also like Matt), and therefore is rather boring.

Callie Jacob = Mary Camden
Callie is new to the family as a foster child. She's around Brandon's age, maybe 16 or 17? I almost chose Jesus (below) to be Mary, but Callie has more issues, so she gets the cake. Multiple dark horses/forbidden loves like her (like Mary aka Jessica Biel!), she just came out of juvie (didn't Mary get arrested at some point?), and has generally had the hardest time of all the kids (MARY).

Jesus Foster = Lucy Camden
Jesus is the 15-year-old adoptive son of Stef and Lena, and is Mariana's twin brother. He's the hot dude with ADD, who can get any popular girl he wants (Lucy had a lot of boyfriends and was popular). Too bad he likes Mariana's best friend!

Mariana Foster = Simon Camden
Mariana is the twin sister of Jesus. She doesn't have a ton of friends (sorry, but no one likes you, Simon), and she gives her biological mom money when she asks her for it (Bank of Simon).

Jude Jacob = Ruthie Camden
At 12, Jude is the youngest (foster) kid, and is therefore the most like Ruthie. He's cute, doesn't talk bad about anyone, and gets bullied at school.

Family Lessons = Family Lessons
The family lessons are at the heart of this show, as they were in "7th Heaven."  What's refreshing is that the morals are more like what I'd personally want to hear. We learn about teen contraception, gay marriage, religion and gays, bullying in school, undocumented immigrants, alcoholism, and rape.

If you were still wondering if "The Fosters" really is "7th Heaven" for lesbians, take a look at who officiated their wedding....