Vegas if you're too cheap to shop, gamble, or drink much.

If you're nearly broke or just cheap, at some point you might consider taking a trip to Las Vegas. Airfare and hotels there aren't too much... but what is it like there if you refuse to spend? Let's see...

1. The first thing you're gonna want to do is walk around the strip. Since you're cheap, you'll probably get in after midnight because those flights are the cheapest. Great! At midnight it's cool out, and you can experience the sights/lights in all their glory. Fake Paris, New York, ancient Greece, Venice, Egypt, etc. You'll laugh until you pee.

The Excalibur at night. It's much grosser on the inside.

Fake Brooklyn Bridge at night (front) with woman's ass (behind).

2. Even the skeeziest of hotels (although we stayed in the cheap but quite nice Tuscany Hotel and Casino) in Vegas will probably have a pool. Since it's hot in the day, go there.

3. There are also indoor villages to explore in the daytime. By indoor villages I mean you can go to "Paris" or "Venice" or "New York" for an hour. Basically, it's Epcot with more alcohol. My personal favorite place to explore was Caesar's Palace. Walk by Cleopatra's barge, see large statues mimicking the classical style, and watch giant fish in an aquarium.

The gondoliers at the Venetian are pretty dece singers trying to keep afloat in these difficult economic times.

The Bellagio is supposed to be elegant or something, but it's just as trashy as the rest. See galloping plant horses (or whatever they have on display) in the conservatory. Leave your lead pipes at home.

 
4. Try a buffet. When you first get to Vegas, you'll have grand plans to try several buffets, but after making your way to the Bellagio buffet (known to be one of the best), you'll probably be buffeted out. Glorified college cafeteria? Yes (or so I am told. We didn't have such things at The George Washington University). A tip: Go with only one other person and sit at the bar instead of a table. You'll skip the 30 minute line that way.

5. Get a (singular) drink. I recommend going to Bond at the Cosmopolitan. It is the bar in the front with the pin-up girl-esque dancers. It has excellent DJ-ing, and with seats for around 50 people, it's not too big. You can try one of their fancy cocktails like "The Nutty Professor" or "If You Like Pina Coladas" ($12-$14, which is why we are only recommending getting one). Then find a table of excessively drunk old people and sit near them. Watching the old people dance, flirt with people at other tables, and embarrass themselves will provide hours of free entertainment.

The "If You Like Pina Coladas" at Bond. Mmm. Delicious.

6. Gamble $2 after spending an hour looking for the funniest slot machines (ex: Vampire's Embrace, The Village People, Maltese Fortune). Play only the minimum bets on 1 and 25 cent slot machines. Odds are you wouldn't win, anyway.

Maltese Fortune, among the funniest of the slot machines.

Shows are expensive, so I didn't go, but excellent talents like John Edward, Donny and Marie, Tim Allen, and the ever-present Celine Dion make me wish I'd gone to some. I encourage you to tell me how the shows are when you go.