Sunday, October 31, 2010

DC

Do you remember the Fourteen Commandments of Destiny's Child in "The Writing's On the Wall"?
  1. Thou shall not hate.
  2. Thou shall pay bills.
  3. Thou shall confess.
  4. Thou shall not bug.
  5. Thou shall not give in to temptation.
  6. Thou shall not think you got it like that.
  7. Thou shall not leave me wondering.
  8. Thou shall know when he's got to go.
  9. Thou shall move on to the next.
  10. Thou shall get your party on.
  11. Thou shall say my name.
  12. Thou shall know she can't love you.
  13. If thou can wait, then thou shall stay.
  14. Thou shall cherish life.
Perhaps I can appreciate these more now that I'm not 12 years old anymore. Ingenius. My personal favorite is "Thou shall not think you got it like that."

Maybe I should pull a "Living Oprah"-type stunt, and only live by these 14 commandments...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I love-hate Nicki Minaj.

She sounds like a child. She looks terrifying. She wears a lot of makeup, usually has weird hair. Basically, she's the rap version of Snooki. Who am I talking about? Nicki Minaj.

Her solo songs definitely suck. Like seriously. "Your Love"? WTF WAS THAT CRAP? (I refuse to even link to it!) That's not what Cher invented the auto-tune for!

So basically, I'm just gonna talk about how I enjoy/cannot stand her musical menages.

1. "Bedrock" Young Money (the group started by Lil Wayne that has like a gazillion young rappers in it, including Nicki Minaj)



Nicki makes her rap entrance at 1:30. I encourage you to start watching then (although Mr. Wayne's reference to a soccer team and Mr. Lloyd's lyric about being Mr. Flinstone are also amusing). As the scene opens, Nicki adjusts a large bling necklace that says "Barbie" in script letters, drawing attention to the fact that her cleavage is like... whaaaaa. But that aside, we note that she will be playing her sexy little girl persona for the evening, thank you very much. She does a fake baby laugh, she's "so pretty like," and she pretend rides a "pedal bike". Are we supposed to want to make the beds of little girls rock? AHHHHHHH SO BAD! Or is she trying to make someone else's bed rock? I am confused. But then she kills it:
He say, Nicki don't stop you the bestest,
And I just be coming off the top asbestos.
(Asbestos is pronounced to rhyme with bestest.) Where did that come from? <3 <3 <3's. I am terrified of asbestos. I keep my asbestos training certificate on my fridge.

2. "My Chick Bad" Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj



You should probably listen to the whole song because it's Luda, and he clearly outshines Nicki in this song. But... this video portrays the scary Nicki. But anyway, Nicki starts around 2:10. Oh, she's supposed to be scary. She raps about scary things, you know, Freddy Krueger, Jason, Lisa Leslie??? WTF. But aside from the stupid barbie scissorhands costume and the marginally hilarious rap.... Why is she an unblinking robot? A question for the ages.

3. "Bottoms Up" Trey Songz feat. Nicki Minaj



Start at 2:40. This song is getting much airplay on Movin92.5 these days, and I couldn't help but notice that it is the perfect blend of both sexy child AND terrifying monster (still unblinking robot, too). Also, she is more like Snooki than ever, cuz she is a drunk (but, also like Snooki, a good-hearted one. "We give a lotta money to the babies out in Haiti"). This is probably her best rap of the bunch, because it is completely unstructured, which I guess is the point, because she's supposed to be hella tanked. But the scariest part is when she does her baby sing. The baby sing. Listen to the baby sing. Why is it so off key?  This is exactly what I would imagine Snooki sings like.

And then Nicki Minaj talks to Anna Nicole Smith. In her drunken-rap.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Why is the Madonna episode of Glee still so good?
Discuss.