Saturday, January 31, 2009

Stata

Thanks to Luis and "chubby_bro.jpg".

Sunday, January 25, 2009

49, A true story

Two young women, who look approximately 16 (although they are, in fact, several years older), board the 49 bus at the front. After waving their bus passes at the Indian, doo-ragged bus driver, they make their way to the closest available seats. A drunken, chubby man sings in an unrecognizable language to a non-responsive, bearded hobo.

Girl 1: The 49 is always full of crazies. Me and the 49 go way back.

Girl 2 looks out the window as snow continues to fall from the sky. The bus stops again, and a toothless, but clean beggar enters the bus. He seats himself across from the two girls.

Toothless man: Can you help me out for a hamburger? I'm so hungry, I just want a hamburger.

The girls offer him some sweet and sour chicken, which he takes with pleasure. The drunken, chubby man is now on the floor at the front of the bus. The bus driver shakes the slumbering man.

Driver: If you don't sit in your chair, you have to leave the bus.

The drunken man, still on the floor howls at the driver. Eventually, he sits in his chair, but continues shouting.

Drunken man: You mother fucking Indian! Mother fucker. MOTHER! FUCKER! INDIAN!

The driver telephones the police. Several new characters enter the bus. A girl with a black dog, some hipsters, a dirty looking boy with dreadlocks and a guitar. A man with a carry cage. Everyone starts to get angry as they wait for the police to arrive. Finally, two police cars swerve around the corner. A murmur of satisfaction comes from the bus, until they realize the cars are turning in the wrong direction.

Girl 1 turns around to see, to her surprise, that the man with the carry cage has removed a gray rabbit from the cage and is now evilly stroking it. The rabbit is poking its head out from the neck of the man's hoodie.

Rabbit man: They went the wrong way! They must be Republican!

The driver gets off the bus to find the police.

Rabbit man: They must be Republican!

A police officer and the Sheriff enter the scene. They seem confused about who is causing the trouble. One man with very crooked teeth stands up and points in the drunken man's direction.

Crooked Teeth man: That's him! That's him, officer!

The police officers take the drunken man away. The boy with the guitar starts playing a song in celebration. The bus does not move for several more minutes since the driver has to file a report with the police. In the meantime, another 49 passes without picking up any additional passengers. The passengers are angry.

Crooked Teeth man: Are you a natural blonde?

Blonde girl (with very visible dark brown roots): No, I dye it.

Crooked Teeth man: Why do you do that?

Blonde girl: I like it like that.

The bus begins to move. The world is back to its normal state of affairs.

Girl 1: Do you know all the state capitals?

Girl 2: No, do you?

Girl 1: No.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Biostat Church

As you wait in line for your tea and cookies (yes, these come FIRST so that maybe the caffeine will keep you awake during the ensuing hour and a half lecture), you wonder how long you'll be able to follow this week's seminar . The longest you ever understood anyone was 10 minutes, and the shortest was that time all you got was some lady's title page slide.

You sit down. Three minutes in. Goddamn, what the fuck do those equations mean? And the religious experience begins.

Proof:

1. Biostatistics seminars are given by gods in their fields. According to Ken Rice, that is.
2. I must take everything a lecturer says on faith to be true. Even some full professors in the department admit to understanding the lectures only one third of the time.
3. You feel guilty if you don't go. (Can you tell I was raised Catholic?)
4. You know that feeling of being completely free to think about anything for one hour? How you don't want to listen to what the priest is saying? How you look around and everyone is staring off into space? Yeah. That happens here. It's the one thing I miss since I stopped going to church. (That and the hilarious idea of the Pope.) I liked being forced to recap life, tv, friends, whatever, out of boredom.

Biostats has become my life, my work, my faith. Once again, please help me.

Friday, January 9, 2009

HSC, II

I know I've already posted about the wonders of the HSC (which is somehow now down to 11th in area in the world), but I still cannot get over this building.

I've discovered that wing BB has 17 floors, while many of the other wings only have between 4 and 9. My adventure to floor 17 included getting to sit in an empty waiting room in the psychiatry department while waiting for a department chair's secretary to tell us that no, he wouldn't be in today because of a family emergency. He strolled in 30 seconds later as I was packing up.

Monday, I found the almost secret labs that reside below ground only, under the entrance to the hospital. Everything in these labs is locked by key pad, but I got inside for a meeting with a physicist-turned-radiologist and saw people in strange, white outfits and huge-ass glasses, holding needles. These people were being kept behind what appeared to be bullet-proof glass. Rats might be doing human experiments in there.

Today, I found an actual secret wing of the building, wing NN. I always bring a map of the HSC along with me when I'm going into uncharted waters. NN was nowhere to be found on this map. It also wasn't on the online version of the map. Now why would there be a North-North wing (there is a NE, SE, SW, NW, which all make sense)? Let me tell you why. This is where they keep nuclear radiology, a department which surely does not exist. I sat in a nearby patient waiting room full of preggers women before I snuck into the key-padded NN wing.

Now all I need to do is find where they keep the monkeys. (True story, they have monkeys somewhere.) And figure out what the hell any of these people I'm working with are talking about.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

New year, same old tune

I meant to post about this back in the summer, but I was reminded while I was at home over Christmas break.

My sister, who just turned 18, is possibly the most confusing jukebox on earth. She sings whatever she thinks of whenever she thinks of it. I took the liberty of recording every song she sang over a three day period in late August. The following are the results.

  • "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" - Marvin Gaye
  • "Girls" - Beastie Boys
  • "Senorita" - Justin Timberlake
  • "What Would You Do?" - City High
  • "Smooth Operator" - Sade
  • "Paper Planes" - M.I.A.
  • "The Tiki Tiki Tiki Room" - Disneyworld ride
  • "Miami" - Will Smith
  • "I Love Your Smile" - Shanice
  • "My Name Is" - Eminem
  • "Don't Forget to Watch the Movie" - Loews Theaters cell phone off song by the Muppets
  • "On the Road Again" - Willie Nelson
  • "Wake Me Up when September Ends" - Green Day
  • "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas
  • "A Little Less Conversation" - Elvis
  • "Let My People Go" aka "Go Down Moses" - Some spiritual song
  • "Chocolate Rain" - Tay Zonday
  • "Believe" - Cher
  • "Magic" - Pilot
  • "Take me Away" - Lindsay Lohan's fake band in "Freaky Friday"
  • "I'm like a bird" - Nelly Furtado
  • "Jack & Diane" - John Mellencamp
  • "The Long and Winding Road" - Beatles
  • "4 minutes" - Justin Timberlake and Madonna
  • "Whale of a Tale" - Kirk Douglas in "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"
  • "Bohemian Rhapsody" - Queen
  • "Wake me Up Before you Go-Go" - Wham!
  • "I'm not sick but I'm not well" - ?? (I don't know what this song's actually called)
  • "I Believe I can Fly" - R Kelly
  • "I Will Survive" - Gloria Gaynor
  • That bad 00's rock song that has "Why don't you and I stay together" as its lyrics - ??
  • "Werewolves of London" - Warren Zevon
That's really long. What would you sing?